Writing...

I have found that it is increasingly difficult to write.  The more I sit and think about how I should be writing, the less I actually write.  I have been trying to determine why it is so difficult.  Why am I having such a hard time writing?  Why, all of a sudden, am I doubting and second guessing every sentence I write?

For over a year I have been unable to organize my thoughts and when I do, I wonder if I will offend someone.  It is difficult to write when you are censoring yourself at the same time.  So, I have decided that I need to take a breath.  I need to organize (and clean) my office, I need to get my laundry done... Maybe when that is done I will be able to write something down.  Until then, I will stare blankly at this computer screen and wonder if what I want to write is even worth writing.

Wish me luck!

Complacency

I am very opinionated. I was lucky enough to be raised by parents who allowed me to make my own decisions and develop my own opinions in life. My father is one of the best devil's advocates I have ever met. He is the only bleeding heart liberal who would say "and what makes you think women should have rights?" with a straight face. He would sit patiently and wait for me to think and respond only to ask another question. I love this about my parents. I love that they would always tell us all sides of an argument and allow us to make our own decisions. I love that they tried very, very hard to keep their opinions from being my opinions.

I try very hard to raise my children in the same way, but there are some issues that cause my foot to hit the ground. There are two issues that I will not even allow my children to consider the other side. Hate and Choice... these are non negotiable.

My children will never, ever have the choice to hate someone because they are different. No matter what! You will never hear me allow them to make THIS decision on their own. I will happily indoctrinate them into my "liberal" views of every person, regardless of race, religion, gender or sexual orientation is equal. I will preach to them with every last breath that people deserve respect and compassion at all times. I will teach them that the only time it is okay to stop someone from speaking is if they are hurting someone else, intentionally, with their words. I will ensure that they have the strength of mind to stand up for what they believe in and ,in doing so, are protecting the rights of everyone around them.

Today, my nine year old daughter shared a story with me that chilled me to the bone. She told me stories of racism and slut shaming on her bus, a bus that only transports children from kindergarten to fourth grade.

Today, I sat my children down and started my rant.

Today, I made it clear that they understand what is acceptable and what is not.

Today, I gave my children the power to stand up for what is right and to stand up for those who need help.

Today, I showed my children that sitting back and doing nothing is exactly the same as causing the problem.

Today, I encouraged my children to do what is right, not what is popular.

Tomorrow, I will do it all over again.

I hope parents realize that when they sit by and do nothing, they are teaching their children. If we, as adults, don't show our kids that action is more important than complacency, then how can this world ever become a better place? Please remember, the "it doesn't impact my kid" argument no longer exists. If your child is exposed to a situation, it affects them... period.

Clear thoughts are over-rated...

I have not written anything in ages... and I mean anything. I had this grand notion that once I was no longer working I would have all of this energy to write. Somehow, I would magically organize my life and my thoughts and be able to sit down from 9 - 12 and write 1,000 words. That has not happened. In fact, the opposite has happened. I am currently more unorganized than I have ever been in my entire life and I can't seem to pull myself together enough to correct the situation.

One would think that in the 6 hours a day two of the three kids are out of the house I would be able to get something done, but alas I cannot. I am constantly playing catch up which makes anything pre-emptive impossible. The sad thing is I don't have anything to show for it. It isn't as if I am sitting around watching TV or sleeping or even reading a book.

My time gets sucked into a giant black hole of staring at the piles of everything I have to do, but not actually doing it. I guess it is true, one can feel so overwhelmed that it is easier to do nothing. This will pass... right?

Book Suggestions...

Do you ever have those moments where you look around and realize that you are not doing anything that had previously helped you relax and made you happy? That is how I feel right now. Please don't misunderstand, spending time with my kids makes me happy. I love it, I just feel like i am missing something...


Today I finally realized what it is that I am missing...a good book. Gosh, I am not even that picky, it doesn't even have to be good. It just has to help me escape into my mind for just a little bit. Something that I will get sucked into and not want to put down. For some reason, I just can't get enough energy to pick up a book.

So, I need someone to give me a suggestion... any suggestion will do...

What will I do next?

I have spent the last 20 years trying to figure out a way to never grow up. I am the female Peter Pan. I don't want to go to work in an office. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to do the laundry. What I would like to do is sit at my desk all day and just write, read and listen to music. Unfortunately, I also like to eat, drive my car and sleep in a bed with a roof over my head. Therefore, I fully understand that I will have to find a job and I will most likely have to go back into an office. I am just not willing to accept that reality yet. So, instead I have decided that I am going to organize my life.

As of Friday, July 29th, I will join the ranks of the unemployed. What that means is that I will no longer have a reason for my kitchen being a mess, my laundry not being done and my shelves being dusty. This means I will have to assume the position of responsible adult and start doing housework. If you have ever met me then you know, the idea of this is repulsive. There is very little in the world I hate more than cleaning. I am one of those odd people who tends to be very organized and a bit of a control freak, but the idea of doing dishes or picking trash up off the floor is exhausting.

Given my deficit in so many areas of home management, I have decided that I am going to try one of those fun little "This is how you get your house and life organized" books. Lucky for me, my darling husband happens to be employed by a publisher that supplies just those books. As I have absolutely no qualms about biasedly choosing a book from his collection, I have decided that I will attempt to follow along with the book "Organize Now!" by Jennifer Ford Berry.

Now, I haven't actually read the book yet, but rumor is that it sells a lot of copies. Which we all know, if it sells a lot of copies it must be great...right?!? Plus, this book is "a week-by-week guide to simplify your space AND your life". Which means I get to spend a week on each section. If that isn't a procrastinators dream...

The downside, however, is that I am one of those people who works completely on momentum. I am afraid that if I spend an entire week on something I will never move on to the next step.

If you pick up the book, or have the book, let me know. Together, we can visit Never-Never Land and Never-Never be cluttered or disorganized again. Perhaps, as I organize my home (and my mind) I will finally decide what I want to be when I grow up.

Another week...

Tomorrow is Monday. The beginning of another week. It is strange how normal tonight feels. I am sitting in front of the computer, the kids are in bed and I am planning for the week. I am writing my weekly to do list. The items that need to get done before the weekend. The list has the normal items; bills need to be paid, laundry needs to get done, rooms need to be cleaned, amendments need to be abstracted. A normal list, like any other week.

Unfortunately, this is not like any other week. This is the last week I will need to add work items to my list. At the end of this week I will be packing up my work computer and mailing it back to Ann Arbor. At the end of this week I will begin to shred massive amounts of legal documents that I have amassed over my last 7 years of work. At the end of this week only 1 in 10 employees will remain at the Borders Corporate office... only 1 in 10.

While that in and of itself is heartbreaking, the idea that by the end of September every Borders store will be gone and over 10,000 knowledgeable booksellers will be out of work is devastating. While I can imagine my life without my job, the idea of life without Borders is tragic.

Another week, an atypical week that will soon become the norm. I guess I will have to find another way to fill my to do list.

The day after...

I am a little numb today. Just thinking about the world without Borders is thoroughly depressing. I have so many memories of Borders over the span of my life, it is sad to see something that was truly fantastic, in it's prime, disappear.


My first memories of Borders started at 16. That was when we could finally drive without Mom or Dad in the car. That is when we were free to start exploring on our own. One of my earliest adventures out on my own was a trip to Kansas City to visit the Borders at 93rd and Metcalf. I would later identify this as store 23. This store was amazing and so cool. They had all the best books and you could get any CD in their music section. I mean, they had everything from the obscure indy pop that we all thought was so cool to the fantastic regional and local bands we wished we were old enough to see at the Bottleneck any given night. We shopped and browsed for hours then we would leave Borders and walk over the Maggie Moos across the parking lot and indulge in the yumminess that was raspberry ice cream mixed with M&M's. We did not do this once, we did not do this twice, we did this so many times that I would go through Maggie Moos withdrawal when we went too long without a fix.

In 1999 Jon and I were living in Kearney, NE and ready to come back home to Kansas. He was commuting two hours every day to the Hastings in Grand Island, NE where he was the General Manager. While he liked the store, he didn't like the commute. One day he found out that Borders was opening a new store in Olathe, KS and shortly after we were presented the opportunity to move back home. He worked in three different Borders stores throughout his 2 years in the field before finally settling into a position in the Marketing Department at the Corporate Office.


Then in 2003 I was presented an opportunity to join him on Phoenix Drive and pounced. I have never looked back.

Over the last 15 years I have visited a lot of Borders. I have bought countless gifts at Borders. I have received countless gifts from Borders. My absolute favorite birthday gift (next to Emmy's pink toes) was the year Jon bought me 10 books and let me sit all weekend and read. He purchased them, at Borders of course, after contacting friends he had made at Borders and asking for recommendations.

There are so many things I will miss about Borders. I hope that Borders will be remembered in a positive light. I hope that people will remember the first time they walked into a Borders. Remember the first time they had a conversation with a bookseller. Remember all of the authors and books that were on the New York Times Best-Seller lists because a bookseller in Rapid City, SD recommended it to not only a single customer but all of the other booksellers throughout the country who then recommended it to a single customer. Remember the regional bands that would have never had an album on a store shelf had it not been for the consignment opportunities that were offered at Borders. Remember all of the artists whose painting were displayed and sold off of the Borders cafe walls. Remember the books that were donated to low-income schools and educational programs all over the country through First Book via Borders. Remember the impact that Borders has had on their communities. Remember that Borders, in its prime, was a hub for readers and writers everywhere.

My numbness will fade over time and I will mourn the loss of what Borders was. I will mourn the people, I will mourn the atmosphere, but most of all I will mourn the books.