Isobel is one of those children who has little problem learning. She is a sponge and absorbs knowledge. The down side of this is that whenever something is even slightly difficult for her she hates it. She is so used to things just making sense that she has a difficult time when they don't. This has been our biggest struggle with reading. She can sound out words, but if they are one of the many words in the English language that can't be sounded out, she becomes agitated.
For instance... a few nights ago we were reading one of her Level One Barbie books and the word in the book was know. She struggled with sounding out the word, so I told her the word sounded like "no". She did not believe me, her exact response was "nuh, uh. Why are you lying to me? No is spelled n-o and does not have a k in it." I told her that I know it is strange, but I promise it sounds like no. She was very upset with me. We had to call Jon up so he could confirm what I had already told her. This did not sit well with her. In fact she was so upset that we had to close the book and go to sleep.
The night before last, I suddenly had an idea... which to me was brilliant, but to every other parent in the world was probably obvious. I would have her read something that she sort of knows, but would still have to read. We started with Marvin K. Mooney Will you Please Go Now. What a mistake, she knows this book so well, that she didn't even have to read the words, she could recite the book from memory (a downfall of it being my favorite Dr. Seuss book). The next book of choice was Green Eggs and Ham. This one was a success. She sort of knew it and the pictures match the words, making it easier to figure them out. She read each word in the book all by herself. At one point I told her that could sounds like would (which she was reading without problem) only with a c instead of a w. Beyond that, I didn't help her at all. She was so proud of herself and so excited. For the first time ever, the words "okay, maybe I do like reading" escaped her lips. A true success.
Since that night she has read Green Eggs and Ham at least 5 times. She will read it to anyone who will listen. She has read it to Emmy and Eli more than once, and they loved it.
Just another thing that is exciting, yet sad. Just another example of how quickly she is growing up. One week from tomorrow she will climb back on the bus and head off to her first day of first grade. And I feel pretty good knowing that she can read at least one full book independently before she climbs those stairs.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Saturday, August 8, 2009
R.I.P. Gore
I remember the day we brought Gore home from the Humane Society. It was Thanksgiving Break and we were there for one last attempt at finding our missing dog, Pup (who some believe, after 12 years, ran away to die). We were walking through the kennel area and a little brown dog was scooting around a kennel. It broke my heart, so I asked the person helping us if he was available for adoption. Unfortunately, he was not. He had been so badly abused that his hip was shattered and he would most likely never walk again. Although they hoped he may be adoptable at some point, they could not place him for adoption until the charges were brought against his previous owner. I watched the dog for awhile, feeling very sad that we couldn't give this poor puppy a good home. Then I heard the sniffing.
I looked in the kennel next to the poor abused brown dog and saw this little black puff ball with an enormous tongue. It was love at first sight. This dog was perfect for our family, so much so that I barley had to ask, much less convince my parents that this dog was meant to be in our family.
That was 16 years ago and I was right. Gore was a perfect addition to our family. Today my parents had to take that member of our family to the vet and have her put to sleep. I know it was devastating for them, they loved her so much... she will be missed
I looked in the kennel next to the poor abused brown dog and saw this little black puff ball with an enormous tongue. It was love at first sight. This dog was perfect for our family, so much so that I barley had to ask, much less convince my parents that this dog was meant to be in our family.
That was 16 years ago and I was right. Gore was a perfect addition to our family. Today my parents had to take that member of our family to the vet and have her put to sleep. I know it was devastating for them, they loved her so much... she will be missed
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Another first...
I swear I put sunblock on her before we went to the pool, but it didn't occur to me to reapply. We weren't there very long, or at least I didn't think we were. So, Isobel ended up with her first sunburn... another parenting failure on my part this summer.
My ever so supportive husband felt that this was a first that needed to be captured on film.
Don't worry... I remembered to thank him for capturing this precious moment.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
4th of July
We spent 4th of July in Galena, IL with Jon's parents. If you have never been to Galena, I strongly recommend going. It is a beautiful historic town located in the Northwest corner of Illinois.
Jon's parents have spent the last year renovating a historic home and it is beautiful. We love visiting. They have a huge front yard which means the kids spent a lot of time outside running around. They had such a great time.
The day started with a walk downtown to a parade on Main Street. I am not sure if it was a short parade or if we missed a lot of it, but it was over shortly after we arrived. Regardless, the kids loved it; there is something about parades and children that just equal magic.
The City of Galena puts on a firework show over the river, which the kids were excited to see. However, before we even headed out to the show Eli heard the bang of some local fireworks and went running for cover. Less than 10 minutes later he was fast asleep on the couch. So, I spent the night at home with a sleeping Eli, while everyone else enjoyed the show. And enjoy it they did. I heard rave reviews about the fireworks from both Isobel and Emmy. Although Isobel did think it was a little loud.
Emmy loved them so much that she still talks about them. Almost every day she mentions that she loves fireworks and that she saw them with Grandpa. I know she is only two and the memory will fade over time, but right now it is fresh enough in her mind that she still talks about it. Hopefully Eli will be less afraid and tired next year so we can all enjoy them together.
Anyway... here are the pictures of the 4th.
I hope you all had a happy and safe 4th of July.
Jon's parents have spent the last year renovating a historic home and it is beautiful. We love visiting. They have a huge front yard which means the kids spent a lot of time outside running around. They had such a great time.
The day started with a walk downtown to a parade on Main Street. I am not sure if it was a short parade or if we missed a lot of it, but it was over shortly after we arrived. Regardless, the kids loved it; there is something about parades and children that just equal magic.
The City of Galena puts on a firework show over the river, which the kids were excited to see. However, before we even headed out to the show Eli heard the bang of some local fireworks and went running for cover. Less than 10 minutes later he was fast asleep on the couch. So, I spent the night at home with a sleeping Eli, while everyone else enjoyed the show. And enjoy it they did. I heard rave reviews about the fireworks from both Isobel and Emmy. Although Isobel did think it was a little loud.
Emmy loved them so much that she still talks about them. Almost every day she mentions that she loves fireworks and that she saw them with Grandpa. I know she is only two and the memory will fade over time, but right now it is fresh enough in her mind that she still talks about it. Hopefully Eli will be less afraid and tired next year so we can all enjoy them together.
Anyway... here are the pictures of the 4th.
I hope you all had a happy and safe 4th of July.
When Eli turned 4...
On May 14th my dear little Eli turned 4. It was a busy day which started with his last day of school and ended with gymnastics. On the way home from gymnastics I asked Eli what he wanted for dinner. I told him he could pick anything he wanted, as he was the birthday boy. He thought long and hard before answering... Burger King.
So, with Burger King in hand we ventured home and had his birthday dinner followed by a Backyardigan cake. The funny thing about Eli is that he really doesn't like cake. He likes the idea of cake, but he never eats it. This was no exception. He was excited to have a Backyardigan cake and he loved blowing out the candles, but all he ate was the ice cream. I am pretty sure he is the only child in the world who doesn't like birthday cake. He will never admit he doesn't like cake. When asked why he wasn't eating his cake his reply was "I love birthday cake, but I don't really want it right now. I think I will eat it tomorrow." Tomorrow has never come.
After cake he opened his gifts. He loved all of his gifts.
As promised, or sort of but not completely promised, here are some pics:
Worst Mommy-blogger on the web...
Today is August 1st. It was over two months ago that I sat down and posted something on this blog. In those two months so many things have happened. While I missed a number of events that make me a horrible Mommy Blogger, one stands out above all the rest... Eli turned 4.
That's right folks, I missed a post wishing my sensitive, wonderful son a very happy 4th birthday. I think I officially win the prize for the worst Mommy Blogger on the web. I wonder if I will be able to find some sort of widget for that. If not, maybe one of my many graphic artist friends will step up and make me one, we all know I deserve it. I will do a post, albeit a late one, discussing this monumental day and possibly even add some pictures. However, grandparents don't get your hopes up, as I have been such a failure of late, I don't want more disappointment.
Other items that should have been posted, but weren't:
Early May brought the Annual Mother's Day Tea at Preschool. This year I was able to enjoy it with Eli. He sang and danced and we enjoyed some cake and juice together. It was a nice way to spend a few hours and I can't wait to go back next year when he is a little older and will hopefully be a little more animated. Shortly after the Mother's Day Tea, Eli celebrated his last day of his first year of Preschool. He will go back in September in the three day, Pre-K program. I can't believe how fast he is growing. He matures a little every single day, and it is a beautiful thing.
On May 15th Jon and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We actually had a babysitter for only the 3rd time in 6 years and enjoyed a very nice night out. As we waited outside PF Chang, which we love and the kids hate, we watched a number of high school kids getting ready to go to Prom. There was an enormous stretch hummer/limo thing that held at least 1,000 kids (perhaps a slight exaggeration). The best part was watching all of the girls in their flashy (not always pretty) dresses and their matching dates. We got a kick out of all the boys in white tuxes and lime green ties. It was also fun to comment on the boys we would never let Isobel or Emmy date and the dresses we would never let them wear. On the flip side, we discussed all of the ways we would never let Eli act. For instance, my son will never wear sunglasses with a tux after dark. If he does, he better be high or drunk and trying to convince me he is not. Otherwise, he will get the knob prize, and that will depress me beyond belief. I strongly believe these are realistic expectations for a parent... don't you?
At the end of May, Isobel finished her first official year of elementary school. She is now a 1st grader. She did wonderfully in kindergarten, passed with flying colors. Her teacher made the nicest note on her end of year report card, "you are a kind friend." If there is one thing that makes me the most proud of Isobel it is her heart. She is empathetic and kind, always the first to understand that while people are different they all deserve kindness and respect. It makes me proud to be her mother and, more importantly, proud to know her. This knowledge will make it possible to get through her pre-teen years, which I am sure will be complete and total hell.
At the very end of May Isobel and Eli had their Gymnastics Fun Meet at the YMCA. It was fun to see them perform all of the skills they learned in Gymnastics this year. They have both improved immensely.
In June Eli started soccer at Kids First, which is a local athletic club specifically for kids. Jon loves watching him, but I find myself very frustrated. Not because of the program, the instructors are fantastic and they are doing a great job teaching soccer fundamentals to 4 year olds, which can't be easy. The frustrating part is that Eli doesn't listen. The instructors will tell the kids to dribble the ball over to some cones, and then stop the ball with their foot. They are then allowed to bend over and pick up the little cone before heading to the other end. The whistle blows and all the other kids do as the instructor said, not Eli. He kicks (not dribbles) the ball towards the net, then shoots a goal. He then proceeds to the other side of the small field and kick another goal. I find myself cringe as this occurs... why can't he just listen? I just don't understand and it frustrates me. Jon is much better at being supportive, even when Eli is not listening. It is possible to not watch Eli without feeling like a horrible mom, because Bel is in gymnastics at the same time. Leading to the next event in our two month hiatus... Also in June,
Isobel started gymnastics at Kids First, which is a local athletic club specifically for kids (did I already mention that?). The facility is amazing! Isobel is only standing still when the teachers are explaining what they will be doing. I was worried that it would be a bit too advanced for her, but she has adjusted to the more rigorous environment nicely. If pressed, I would tell you that she has improved dramatically since the move. She is getting stronger and braver. In fact, today she attempted a somersault and handstand on the balance beam. A month ago, she wouldn't even walk on the beam without someone holding her hand. Huge improvement!
And of course, June brought Father's Day. As I have mentioned many times before I am very lucky to have Jon. He is a wonderful person and a terrific Father. I have listened to a number of people over the years comment on how hands off their husbands are. It always surprises me to hear how many moments some Dad's miss in their kids’ lives. That is not the case on our house. Jon finds a way to come to everything that is important to the kids, and me. He even took a few days off the week before Father's day just so I could go to Kansas and play with my old friends. For that and for everything else he does, I will always be thankful. I cannot mention Father's Day without mentioning my own Dad. He, just like Jon, always put my sister and me first. There was never a question as to his priorities. The best part was that he was actually here on Father's Day, so I got to celebrate with him. There is nothing better than being with your Dad on Father's Day. I love you, Dad!
Finally, Emmy has matured so much over the last few months. She is talking all the time and in well formed sentences. She is so much fun, there is no way I can capture in words how much energy and beauty she has. If you manage to look at her without smiling, she will make sure you are smiling before you look away.
While I am sure many more small things have happened over this period, I didn't write any of them down... yet another failure. I know I have said this before, but I am going to try very, very hard to start posting on a regular basis... I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens..
That's right folks, I missed a post wishing my sensitive, wonderful son a very happy 4th birthday. I think I officially win the prize for the worst Mommy Blogger on the web. I wonder if I will be able to find some sort of widget for that. If not, maybe one of my many graphic artist friends will step up and make me one, we all know I deserve it. I will do a post, albeit a late one, discussing this monumental day and possibly even add some pictures. However, grandparents don't get your hopes up, as I have been such a failure of late, I don't want more disappointment.
Other items that should have been posted, but weren't:
Early May brought the Annual Mother's Day Tea at Preschool. This year I was able to enjoy it with Eli. He sang and danced and we enjoyed some cake and juice together. It was a nice way to spend a few hours and I can't wait to go back next year when he is a little older and will hopefully be a little more animated. Shortly after the Mother's Day Tea, Eli celebrated his last day of his first year of Preschool. He will go back in September in the three day, Pre-K program. I can't believe how fast he is growing. He matures a little every single day, and it is a beautiful thing.
On May 15th Jon and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We actually had a babysitter for only the 3rd time in 6 years and enjoyed a very nice night out. As we waited outside PF Chang, which we love and the kids hate, we watched a number of high school kids getting ready to go to Prom. There was an enormous stretch hummer/limo thing that held at least 1,000 kids (perhaps a slight exaggeration). The best part was watching all of the girls in their flashy (not always pretty) dresses and their matching dates. We got a kick out of all the boys in white tuxes and lime green ties. It was also fun to comment on the boys we would never let Isobel or Emmy date and the dresses we would never let them wear. On the flip side, we discussed all of the ways we would never let Eli act. For instance, my son will never wear sunglasses with a tux after dark. If he does, he better be high or drunk and trying to convince me he is not. Otherwise, he will get the knob prize, and that will depress me beyond belief. I strongly believe these are realistic expectations for a parent... don't you?
At the end of May, Isobel finished her first official year of elementary school. She is now a 1st grader. She did wonderfully in kindergarten, passed with flying colors. Her teacher made the nicest note on her end of year report card, "you are a kind friend." If there is one thing that makes me the most proud of Isobel it is her heart. She is empathetic and kind, always the first to understand that while people are different they all deserve kindness and respect. It makes me proud to be her mother and, more importantly, proud to know her. This knowledge will make it possible to get through her pre-teen years, which I am sure will be complete and total hell.
At the very end of May Isobel and Eli had their Gymnastics Fun Meet at the YMCA. It was fun to see them perform all of the skills they learned in Gymnastics this year. They have both improved immensely.
In June Eli started soccer at Kids First, which is a local athletic club specifically for kids. Jon loves watching him, but I find myself very frustrated. Not because of the program, the instructors are fantastic and they are doing a great job teaching soccer fundamentals to 4 year olds, which can't be easy. The frustrating part is that Eli doesn't listen. The instructors will tell the kids to dribble the ball over to some cones, and then stop the ball with their foot. They are then allowed to bend over and pick up the little cone before heading to the other end. The whistle blows and all the other kids do as the instructor said, not Eli. He kicks (not dribbles) the ball towards the net, then shoots a goal. He then proceeds to the other side of the small field and kick another goal. I find myself cringe as this occurs... why can't he just listen? I just don't understand and it frustrates me. Jon is much better at being supportive, even when Eli is not listening. It is possible to not watch Eli without feeling like a horrible mom, because Bel is in gymnastics at the same time. Leading to the next event in our two month hiatus... Also in June,
Isobel started gymnastics at Kids First, which is a local athletic club specifically for kids (did I already mention that?). The facility is amazing! Isobel is only standing still when the teachers are explaining what they will be doing. I was worried that it would be a bit too advanced for her, but she has adjusted to the more rigorous environment nicely. If pressed, I would tell you that she has improved dramatically since the move. She is getting stronger and braver. In fact, today she attempted a somersault and handstand on the balance beam. A month ago, she wouldn't even walk on the beam without someone holding her hand. Huge improvement!
And of course, June brought Father's Day. As I have mentioned many times before I am very lucky to have Jon. He is a wonderful person and a terrific Father. I have listened to a number of people over the years comment on how hands off their husbands are. It always surprises me to hear how many moments some Dad's miss in their kids’ lives. That is not the case on our house. Jon finds a way to come to everything that is important to the kids, and me. He even took a few days off the week before Father's day just so I could go to Kansas and play with my old friends. For that and for everything else he does, I will always be thankful. I cannot mention Father's Day without mentioning my own Dad. He, just like Jon, always put my sister and me first. There was never a question as to his priorities. The best part was that he was actually here on Father's Day, so I got to celebrate with him. There is nothing better than being with your Dad on Father's Day. I love you, Dad!
Finally, Emmy has matured so much over the last few months. She is talking all the time and in well formed sentences. She is so much fun, there is no way I can capture in words how much energy and beauty she has. If you manage to look at her without smiling, she will make sure you are smiling before you look away.
While I am sure many more small things have happened over this period, I didn't write any of them down... yet another failure. I know I have said this before, but I am going to try very, very hard to start posting on a regular basis... I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens..
Monday, June 8, 2009
One, Two, Three...
I have been spending a lot of time thinking about sibling interactions and familial relationships lately. Isobel, Eli and Emmy have moments where they fight, but for the most part I can see how much they love each other. They can play together for hours and enjoy every minute of it. I hope that it continues throughout their lives. I know there is nothing I can do to help them maintain a close relationship. I can teach them that family is important and try to instill in them how important it is to love and accept each other regardless of their own beliefs and feelings, but I can't force them to like each other.
I have always found sibling relationships fascinating. I have so many friends who will tell you that their siblings are their best friends. I am actually surprised when my friends tell me that they talk to their siblings and are happy to see them. I am shocked to hear that people go on vacations to visit their siblings... does that really happen?
I think back to my own childhood with my sister and try to think of one good memory. One time when M was kind to me, one time we enjoyed each other’s company. I can't seem to find even a single memory in my mind. I can think of times when we laughed, but it was always followed by her turning mean and saying something hurtful. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn't afraid of M's next reaction, which would shift at a single moment. It took me years to realize that she was really just sad and wanted everyone around her to be sad as well. There are so many things I would have liked to have said to her, but never had the courage. I was always afraid that she would attack me... verbally (we never hit each other, I think she may have tickled me once or twice out of spite).
The sad thing is that I worshiped her. I thought she was the coolest person ever. I wanted to be just like her, but happy. I used to sneak into her room when she wasn't home and listen to her music, just hoping that I would like it. When she chose her college and decided that she was going to leave home, I was devastated. I started acting out and even spent a few hours with a psychologist because I didn't know how to deal with this separation. I didn't know how to be Missy and not M's sister. It was easily one of the most difficult moments in my young life. However, I prevailed with the knowledge that it didn't matter because we were sisters and you can't change that... how wrong I was.
Fast forward four years. It is New Years Day and I am recovering from a night of having a little too much fun with my friends (Mom/Dad - you probably shouldn't read this... it may shatter your image of me as the wholesome child - haha). I was hung-over and regretting all the fun I had the night before, but I was up way early in the morning and heading home to start a nice road trip with my big sis. I was going to drive with her to Northampton, spend a week and fly home. I was so excited. I was actually going to get to spend time with M, who by that point had surpassed cool and become super cool (at least in my eyes). Unfortunately, the trip was awful. It was this trip that my sister fell of her pedestal. I know I have said this before but I have never forgiven her for that tumble. She was no longer this super cool feminist idol that I had created, she was an insecure driveling idiot who bowed to the men (well, man) in her life. I realize that most of the time when elder siblings become "human" to the younger, all is forgiven. I think it is typically a moment when the younger thinks to themselves "Wow, they are human? Of course they are human, why didn't I realize that before?” It was not that way for me. Not at all. Since that moment I have tried to forget about that fateful trip.
I have tried to have the kind of relationship that siblings should have. I have tried to visit her and I have asked her to visit me. She has told me many, many times that she would come and visit, but she never shows up. I don't mean she doesn't set a date or it just doesn't happen. I mean I will be sitting around waiting for her to call or waiting for her to show up and she never does. It has happened so many times that my friends even know that she isn't going to show up and they warn me not get excited and not to get my hopes up. There is nothing more embarrassing than telling everyone I know that I can't work tonight because my big sister is finally coming to visit me, telling them how I can't wait for them to meet her. Planning a whole night of where I will take her and what we will do, only to spend the next five hours sitting in one place, alone, waiting for her to show up. Not only did she not show up, she never once apologized for not showing up, in fact she never even mentioned it.
Although I can't remember the nature of the fight or even the premise of it, I remember the moment I decided that I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me anymore. I remember the moment that I realized that just because she was my sister, I wasn't obligated to like her. Of course, I still loved her, but that didn't mean I had to subject myself to her coldness and her ridicule. At that moment, I remembered all of the horrible things she had done to me throughout my life and I forgot all of the good ones. I am sure that my sister has done something nice for me; I can't imagine that she hasn't. I am also sure that the horrible moments are not as horrible as I remember them, but I have not been able to get past them, and I don't think I ever will.
My sister is now a fine upstanding individual. She is a doctor and a mother to two biological children, an adopted child, a step child and is in the process of adopting another. She spends her free time sharing her adoption story with strangers and encouraging them to think about the world. She donates money to a plethora of organizations and spends free time thinking about the world and all of the people in it who are less fortunate than she. She takes action to help make the world a better place. Yet, for some reason, I still don't want to know her.
It is sad to know that my children will never have a real relationship with their cousins. Isobel is always asking when she will see her cousin again. They are the same age and love each other so much, but they don't know each other and I fear they never will. Even that doesn't motivate me to forgive her.
Now, please don't misunderstand, it is not as if my sister is sitting around thinking how nice it would be to have a relationship with me. It is possible that she is less interested in knowing me than I am in knowing her... very possible.
Regardless of my non-relationship with my sister, my parents did everything right. They instilled in us the importance of family. They never favored one of us over the other or harbored a competitive environment that would fuel sibling rivalry. I would even say that they went out of their way not to compare us. They did everything right. Yet, something went terribly wrong.
Which leads to the reason I am writing this post? How can I, as a parent, ensure that my children have a healthy relationship later in life? Is there anything I can do that will prevent my children from ending up like M and I? Is there a way to teach them to forgive no matter what?
I go out of my way to tell my children that destructive relationships are not relationships worth having. I teach them that if someone doesn't want to be their friend, then they are not a friend worth having. I make sure that they realize that mean people or people who make them feel bad about themselves are not worth having in their lives. What happens, though, if the mean person is a family member? Is a destructive relationship worth having if it is family? If so, does that cause confusion in other aspects of the child’s life? Is it realistic to expect them to recognize a destructive relationship outside of the family if they are taught to ignore it within the family?
As much as I want my children to be close and depend on each other, I don't want them to do it at the expense of their own feelings. I hope that none of them will do anything so severe to the other that it is unforgivable, but if that happens, I will have to accept it. After all, I have not set the best example for forgive and forget.
I have always found sibling relationships fascinating. I have so many friends who will tell you that their siblings are their best friends. I am actually surprised when my friends tell me that they talk to their siblings and are happy to see them. I am shocked to hear that people go on vacations to visit their siblings... does that really happen?
I think back to my own childhood with my sister and try to think of one good memory. One time when M was kind to me, one time we enjoyed each other’s company. I can't seem to find even a single memory in my mind. I can think of times when we laughed, but it was always followed by her turning mean and saying something hurtful. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn't afraid of M's next reaction, which would shift at a single moment. It took me years to realize that she was really just sad and wanted everyone around her to be sad as well. There are so many things I would have liked to have said to her, but never had the courage. I was always afraid that she would attack me... verbally (we never hit each other, I think she may have tickled me once or twice out of spite).
The sad thing is that I worshiped her. I thought she was the coolest person ever. I wanted to be just like her, but happy. I used to sneak into her room when she wasn't home and listen to her music, just hoping that I would like it. When she chose her college and decided that she was going to leave home, I was devastated. I started acting out and even spent a few hours with a psychologist because I didn't know how to deal with this separation. I didn't know how to be Missy and not M's sister. It was easily one of the most difficult moments in my young life. However, I prevailed with the knowledge that it didn't matter because we were sisters and you can't change that... how wrong I was.
Fast forward four years. It is New Years Day and I am recovering from a night of having a little too much fun with my friends (Mom/Dad - you probably shouldn't read this... it may shatter your image of me as the wholesome child - haha). I was hung-over and regretting all the fun I had the night before, but I was up way early in the morning and heading home to start a nice road trip with my big sis. I was going to drive with her to Northampton, spend a week and fly home. I was so excited. I was actually going to get to spend time with M, who by that point had surpassed cool and become super cool (at least in my eyes). Unfortunately, the trip was awful. It was this trip that my sister fell of her pedestal. I know I have said this before but I have never forgiven her for that tumble. She was no longer this super cool feminist idol that I had created, she was an insecure driveling idiot who bowed to the men (well, man) in her life. I realize that most of the time when elder siblings become "human" to the younger, all is forgiven. I think it is typically a moment when the younger thinks to themselves "Wow, they are human? Of course they are human, why didn't I realize that before?” It was not that way for me. Not at all. Since that moment I have tried to forget about that fateful trip.
I have tried to have the kind of relationship that siblings should have. I have tried to visit her and I have asked her to visit me. She has told me many, many times that she would come and visit, but she never shows up. I don't mean she doesn't set a date or it just doesn't happen. I mean I will be sitting around waiting for her to call or waiting for her to show up and she never does. It has happened so many times that my friends even know that she isn't going to show up and they warn me not get excited and not to get my hopes up. There is nothing more embarrassing than telling everyone I know that I can't work tonight because my big sister is finally coming to visit me, telling them how I can't wait for them to meet her. Planning a whole night of where I will take her and what we will do, only to spend the next five hours sitting in one place, alone, waiting for her to show up. Not only did she not show up, she never once apologized for not showing up, in fact she never even mentioned it.
Although I can't remember the nature of the fight or even the premise of it, I remember the moment I decided that I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me anymore. I remember the moment that I realized that just because she was my sister, I wasn't obligated to like her. Of course, I still loved her, but that didn't mean I had to subject myself to her coldness and her ridicule. At that moment, I remembered all of the horrible things she had done to me throughout my life and I forgot all of the good ones. I am sure that my sister has done something nice for me; I can't imagine that she hasn't. I am also sure that the horrible moments are not as horrible as I remember them, but I have not been able to get past them, and I don't think I ever will.
My sister is now a fine upstanding individual. She is a doctor and a mother to two biological children, an adopted child, a step child and is in the process of adopting another. She spends her free time sharing her adoption story with strangers and encouraging them to think about the world. She donates money to a plethora of organizations and spends free time thinking about the world and all of the people in it who are less fortunate than she. She takes action to help make the world a better place. Yet, for some reason, I still don't want to know her.
It is sad to know that my children will never have a real relationship with their cousins. Isobel is always asking when she will see her cousin again. They are the same age and love each other so much, but they don't know each other and I fear they never will. Even that doesn't motivate me to forgive her.
Now, please don't misunderstand, it is not as if my sister is sitting around thinking how nice it would be to have a relationship with me. It is possible that she is less interested in knowing me than I am in knowing her... very possible.
Regardless of my non-relationship with my sister, my parents did everything right. They instilled in us the importance of family. They never favored one of us over the other or harbored a competitive environment that would fuel sibling rivalry. I would even say that they went out of their way not to compare us. They did everything right. Yet, something went terribly wrong.
Which leads to the reason I am writing this post? How can I, as a parent, ensure that my children have a healthy relationship later in life? Is there anything I can do that will prevent my children from ending up like M and I? Is there a way to teach them to forgive no matter what?
I go out of my way to tell my children that destructive relationships are not relationships worth having. I teach them that if someone doesn't want to be their friend, then they are not a friend worth having. I make sure that they realize that mean people or people who make them feel bad about themselves are not worth having in their lives. What happens, though, if the mean person is a family member? Is a destructive relationship worth having if it is family? If so, does that cause confusion in other aspects of the child’s life? Is it realistic to expect them to recognize a destructive relationship outside of the family if they are taught to ignore it within the family?
As much as I want my children to be close and depend on each other, I don't want them to do it at the expense of their own feelings. I hope that none of them will do anything so severe to the other that it is unforgivable, but if that happens, I will have to accept it. After all, I have not set the best example for forgive and forget.
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