One, Two, Three...

I have been spending a lot of time thinking about sibling interactions and familial relationships lately. Isobel, Eli and Emmy have moments where they fight, but for the most part I can see how much they love each other. They can play together for hours and enjoy every minute of it. I hope that it continues throughout their lives. I know there is nothing I can do to help them maintain a close relationship. I can teach them that family is important and try to instill in them how important it is to love and accept each other regardless of their own beliefs and feelings, but I can't force them to like each other.

I have always found sibling relationships fascinating. I have so many friends who will tell you that their siblings are their best friends. I am actually surprised when my friends tell me that they talk to their siblings and are happy to see them. I am shocked to hear that people go on vacations to visit their siblings... does that really happen?

I think back to my own childhood with my sister and try to think of one good memory. One time when M was kind to me, one time we enjoyed each other’s company. I can't seem to find even a single memory in my mind. I can think of times when we laughed, but it was always followed by her turning mean and saying something hurtful. I honestly cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn't afraid of M's next reaction, which would shift at a single moment. It took me years to realize that she was really just sad and wanted everyone around her to be sad as well. There are so many things I would have liked to have said to her, but never had the courage. I was always afraid that she would attack me... verbally (we never hit each other, I think she may have tickled me once or twice out of spite).

The sad thing is that I worshiped her. I thought she was the coolest person ever. I wanted to be just like her, but happy. I used to sneak into her room when she wasn't home and listen to her music, just hoping that I would like it. When she chose her college and decided that she was going to leave home, I was devastated. I started acting out and even spent a few hours with a psychologist because I didn't know how to deal with this separation. I didn't know how to be Missy and not M's sister. It was easily one of the most difficult moments in my young life. However, I prevailed with the knowledge that it didn't matter because we were sisters and you can't change that... how wrong I was.

Fast forward four years. It is New Years Day and I am recovering from a night of having a little too much fun with my friends (Mom/Dad - you probably shouldn't read this... it may shatter your image of me as the wholesome child - haha). I was hung-over and regretting all the fun I had the night before, but I was up way early in the morning and heading home to start a nice road trip with my big sis. I was going to drive with her to Northampton, spend a week and fly home. I was so excited. I was actually going to get to spend time with M, who by that point had surpassed cool and become super cool (at least in my eyes). Unfortunately, the trip was awful. It was this trip that my sister fell of her pedestal. I know I have said this before but I have never forgiven her for that tumble. She was no longer this super cool feminist idol that I had created, she was an insecure driveling idiot who bowed to the men (well, man) in her life. I realize that most of the time when elder siblings become "human" to the younger, all is forgiven. I think it is typically a moment when the younger thinks to themselves "Wow, they are human? Of course they are human, why didn't I realize that before?” It was not that way for me. Not at all. Since that moment I have tried to forget about that fateful trip.

I have tried to have the kind of relationship that siblings should have. I have tried to visit her and I have asked her to visit me. She has told me many, many times that she would come and visit, but she never shows up. I don't mean she doesn't set a date or it just doesn't happen. I mean I will be sitting around waiting for her to call or waiting for her to show up and she never does. It has happened so many times that my friends even know that she isn't going to show up and they warn me not get excited and not to get my hopes up. There is nothing more embarrassing than telling everyone I know that I can't work tonight because my big sister is finally coming to visit me, telling them how I can't wait for them to meet her. Planning a whole night of where I will take her and what we will do, only to spend the next five hours sitting in one place, alone, waiting for her to show up. Not only did she not show up, she never once apologized for not showing up, in fact she never even mentioned it.

Although I can't remember the nature of the fight or even the premise of it, I remember the moment I decided that I wasn't going to allow her to hurt me anymore. I remember the moment that I realized that just because she was my sister, I wasn't obligated to like her. Of course, I still loved her, but that didn't mean I had to subject myself to her coldness and her ridicule. At that moment, I remembered all of the horrible things she had done to me throughout my life and I forgot all of the good ones. I am sure that my sister has done something nice for me; I can't imagine that she hasn't. I am also sure that the horrible moments are not as horrible as I remember them, but I have not been able to get past them, and I don't think I ever will.

My sister is now a fine upstanding individual. She is a doctor and a mother to two biological children, an adopted child, a step child and is in the process of adopting another. She spends her free time sharing her adoption story with strangers and encouraging them to think about the world. She donates money to a plethora of organizations and spends free time thinking about the world and all of the people in it who are less fortunate than she. She takes action to help make the world a better place. Yet, for some reason, I still don't want to know her.

It is sad to know that my children will never have a real relationship with their cousins. Isobel is always asking when she will see her cousin again. They are the same age and love each other so much, but they don't know each other and I fear they never will. Even that doesn't motivate me to forgive her.

Now, please don't misunderstand, it is not as if my sister is sitting around thinking how nice it would be to have a relationship with me. It is possible that she is less interested in knowing me than I am in knowing her... very possible.

Regardless of my non-relationship with my sister, my parents did everything right. They instilled in us the importance of family. They never favored one of us over the other or harbored a competitive environment that would fuel sibling rivalry. I would even say that they went out of their way not to compare us. They did everything right. Yet, something went terribly wrong.

Which leads to the reason I am writing this post? How can I, as a parent, ensure that my children have a healthy relationship later in life? Is there anything I can do that will prevent my children from ending up like M and I? Is there a way to teach them to forgive no matter what?

I go out of my way to tell my children that destructive relationships are not relationships worth having. I teach them that if someone doesn't want to be their friend, then they are not a friend worth having. I make sure that they realize that mean people or people who make them feel bad about themselves are not worth having in their lives. What happens, though, if the mean person is a family member? Is a destructive relationship worth having if it is family? If so, does that cause confusion in other aspects of the child’s life? Is it realistic to expect them to recognize a destructive relationship outside of the family if they are taught to ignore it within the family?

As much as I want my children to be close and depend on each other, I don't want them to do it at the expense of their own feelings. I hope that none of them will do anything so severe to the other that it is unforgivable, but if that happens, I will have to accept it. After all, I have not set the best example for forgive and forget.

lions and tigers and dolphins oh my...

Eli: "I like dolphins."

Bel: "No you don't. You like lions."

Eli "Oh ya, I like lions."

Way to stand your ground, man.

Bel and Emmy's show

The other day I was sitting in my office listening to Bel and Emmy sing Lenka over the baby moniter.

I did enjoy the show and I absolutely do not want my money back.

boy, he is nice...

I have often praised the kindness of Eli on this blog. He has a huge heart and almost always puts others before himself (almost always... come on, he's 3).

Isobel is easily his favorite person in the world. I am convinced if you asked him the three items on a deserted island question, his answer would be Isobel, blankie and whichever backyardigan stuffed animal is in favor that day. Although they have the typical sibling squabbles and I occasionally hear an "I hate you" escape his lips, he is happiest when he has Isobel's undivided attention.

He also has an extreme sense of fairness. He is convinced that if he has something, so should Isobel. When he gets a sticker at the doctor’s office, he asks for one for Isobel. When he gets his lollypop after speech therapy, he asks for one for Isobel. If he has something, he is convinced Isobel should have one as well.

Saturday, we decided to fight the crowd and take a much needed trip to IKEA. As we exit the elevators we see some kids walk by with balloon animals. While we have seen the people making balloon animals before, we have never gotten one. We always missed the workers. That day, we were not going to miss our chance.

Isobel, Emmy and I stood in line while Jon and Eli went to the bathroom. There were two kids in front of Isobel and she anxiously awaited her turn. As the woman was making her pink flower Eli and Jon joined us. Eli then got a blue monkey (super neat) and Emmy a red butterfly (Isobel chose the color).

This morning, as Emmy, Isobel and Eli watched cartoons in the playroom, something tragic happened. There was a loud pop and the flower was instantly gone. Isobel was sad, as can be expected. Eli, forever the fairness expert, looked at Isobel and popped his monkey. He just didn't think it was fair that Isobel's balloon had popped and his hadn't. So he remedied the situation the only way he knew how.

Living in a dream world...

This morning at about 7:00 I heard a yell. Not a "Help, I am in trouble yell", more of an "I am so angry with you I cannot find the words to explain it" yell. I look over and find Eli asleep next to me... apparently yelling in his sleep. Before we realize he is asleep both Jon and I ask him what is wrong...

"Bel stole my cheese crackers!"

What an odd dream...

Needless to say, when he asked for cheese crackers this morning I felt like I had to comply (he usually gets a pack at 10:00, not before). Isobel was standing next to him at the table practicing writing her name and he yelled at Isobel...

"Bel, don't take my crackers."

She looked at him like he was insane and yelled "I am nowhere near your stupid crackers!"

The impact of the dream world on reality is fascinating in a 3 year old.

Emmy and Eli

I have no story for these as I was not here. I found them on the camera and felt that they were definitely worth sharing.

Side by Side

I have always thought that Emmy looks like a nice mixture of Isobel and Eli. So for fun, I thought I would compare (top left to right - Isobel, Emmy; bottom - Eli). They are all about 15 months old in these pictures. Let me know what you think...

more pictures...

You will notice that there is not one single picture of Eli in this bunch. He has become very difficult to photograph. He will either stand in the shot and not smile or refuse to be in the shot. I took a couple today on the boat, and it is possible he was smiling... I am not going to get my hopes up though. Perhaps if I was better about taking pictures, I would get one or two of my son... Oh well, I will take what I can get.

The last picture is Isobel showing her cheer from cheer camp to her Grandparents. It is so cute. The final line of this cheer is "you think you can beat us, whatever!" Isobel definitely has the attitude for this final line. Those of you who have known me since high school can just imagine how well she does it... Oh and just for good measure... she has also inherited my classic, passive aggressive, "fine". I am sure there are a number of you smiling right now thinking that it is a classic example of what goes around...

Welcome...

This morning, shortly after 8:00, my family welcomed its newest member. We are happy to have him here, but wish he would have continued to call my sisters uterus home just a little longer, perhaps 7 weeks longer...

I am heartbroken that my sister has to live through this experience. Emmy was nowhere near this early and I remember the emptiness and pain that I suffered. The idea that Michelle's experience will be even more trying is unbearable. The saving grace is that I know my sister is a strong person and she will rise to the NICU challenge with grace and dignity.

If you would like to see some pictures of my gorgeous new nephew, you can do so here. I have to say, he is a lucky boy to get all that cute, curly, black hair. I guess if there was ever any question as to whether my sister and I are really related, they were answered when we had children. Isobel looks like Michelle and Ben looks like me... I wonder if this is the Universes way of telling us, or at least me, to leave the past in the past.

Happy Mother's Day!

My mother is perhaps one of the most amazing people I know. She is one of those people who loves unconditionally and will always put people first. However, she is also strong and is more than capable of sticking up for herself when it is necessary. I know that I can call my mom at 3:00 in the morning and she will be there to listen and I know that she will always find a way to help me no matter what it takes. She is amazing.

A couple of years ago my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was one of the hardest things to ever happen to me, so I can't imagine how hard it was for her and my dad (and my sister, who was there to help mom through it). I consider myself lucky that I didn't have to see her daily struggles; I think it probably would have killed me. Of course, as she is my mother, she knew this and kept most of her pain from me, she was very brave for my sake and I thank her for that.

Today is Mother's Day and today Major League Baseball is covered in pink to raise money for Susan G. Komen for the Cure. So, if you feel like today is a good day for baseball, head out to your local MLB game and see all the players use pink bats and run pink ribbon bases. It is the third year of the event and is sure to be another success. Remember, most of the items used in the games will be auctioned off here. If you are interested, you can get some great sports memorabilia and help some amazing people, like my mom.

So, Happy Mother's Day to all of you! Especially to my mom who I love more than she will ever know.

I also want to say Happy Mother's Day to my sister. Although we may never see eye to eye (and she didn’t call Isobel back to share her favorite princess), she is an amazing mother and has made a difference in so many lives. She is able to handle an immense amount of stress while still maintaining her composure. I will always be grateful that she was strong enough to be there for our mom, when I wasn't.

lions and tigers and bears...

Today we went to the Cincinnati Zoo and Botanical Garden. It was a beautiful day. The weather was fantastic. It was sunny, in the upper 60's and Curious George and Max were at the zoo meeting kids. Isobel and Eli were so excited to see both of them, although Isobel didn't understand why Max was traveling without Ruby. It was our first visit to the zoo and we loved it, at first.

About 45 minutes after we got to the zoo Eli started refusing to get out of the stroller. He just sat there saying he wanted to go home. We assumed that he was just scared of the bigger animals (we were in the wolf habitat when this started), so we let him stay in the stroller and told him not to be afraid. At this point it was about 11:30 and he wasn't getting any better, so we decided he must be hungry. We asked him if he wanted to eat lunch and he said yes. So, we went to the Rhino Cafe for lunch. That is when we realized that it was more than just hunger or fear. He wouldn't eat or drink, he was crying and just wanted to be held and he felt a little warm. So, Jon took Eli and Emmy to the car and Isobel and I stood in line to see Max. Below you can see Eli's zoo progression... poor baby...

He fell back to sleep the second we got in the car and took a short nap. When he woke up he seemed to be feeling better, so we decided we would make a quick pit stop at Babies-R-Us. As we pulled into the parking space, I heard that noise... you know, the noise all moms dread, the one that means your child just threw up all over themselves in their car seat...

Eli was so shocked by this event. I don't even think he realized it happened. He just stared at his hands and said "Mommy, I need a wipe." After I told him that he was sick he turned to Isobel and said "Bel, I'm sick" and Isobel said "I know, sweetie, I am so sorry." I don't know how many times on the drive home she asked him if he was okay. It was very sweet... It made me realize that some of my posts about Isobel may seem a little harsh. She really is a sweet girl and she loves her brother very much. In fact, when we got home she watched Blue's Clues without complaint... a sweet shock for all who know her.

Here is Isobel with Max... she was very happy to meet him!

sweet, sweet Eli...

Last night Eli and I were lying on the couch watching The Office (Emmy's birthday cake pushed bed times back a bit). Isobel came downstairs whining about being cold. My sweet, sweet Eli held up his blanket so Isobel could join him. Now, when I say blanket, I mean blankie. It is not very big and he cannot function without it (or one of its many siblings). Isobel climbed up onto the couch next to him and they cuddled under this little blankie. It was almost the cutest thing I have ever seen them do...

Of course, my darling Isobel then wrapped herself up in Eli's blankie pulling it completely off of him. He started to cry and she just shrugged and said "I'm cold!”

This made me realize that I am quite a bit like Eli. I always assume people are intrinsically good and always going to do the right thing. I am usually proven wrong. How do I teach him that there should be limitations to his kindness? How do I teach him something that I never learned myself? How does one teach a child that people will take advantage of his kindness and most likely hurt him in the process? Is it something that should be taught or is it one of those lessons he should learn the "hard way"?

Crazy love...

Today Isobel had a friend over after school; everything seemed to be going great. Eli, Isobel and her friend (we will call her B) were upstairs in Eli's room playing dress up... everyone seemed so happy.

All of a sudden Isobel comes pounding down the stairs "Eli is having more fun with B than me. I think he likes her more." She was devastated by this possibility. I assured her that Eli likes no one in the world more than he likes her (which I believe to be true).

My brilliant solution is to color; with Isobel this seems to be the solution to any problem... so I call B and Eli down to color with Isobel.

I set up the big paper scroll to cover the table and pull out three little stools for the kids to sit on. Isobel sat in one and Eli and B came running down the stairs to join her.

This is when the drama really began...

Isobel wanted to sit next to Eli and B. B wanted to sit next to Eli and Isobel. After much debate, in the classic “sit here”, “no sit here” kind of way, Eli sat down next to B. Isobel started to cry, and not the "I really want attention kind of cry", but the "you just pulled my heart out of my chest and stomped on it" kind of cry. She jumped up and ran away. Poor Eli was shocked, he didn't know what happened. He had a look of pure horror on his face and went chasing after her yelling "I want to sit by you Bel". Then he told her he was sorry gave her a big hug and kiss and pulled his stool around so he could sit next to her.

It was crazy sweet, emphasis on the crazy.

I can't decide if they will be super close when they get older or if he will get so annoyed with her dramatic tendencies that he will avoid her completely. Either way, it is fun to watch now.

Standing on the sidelines...

It has been a bit surreal the last few weeks. Isobel and Eli have started really fighting. I can't quite figure out exactly what happens as this is what I always hear...

"mommy, Eli hit me"

"mommy, Bel hit me"

"Eli hit me first"

"Bel hit me first"

Then simultaneously they yell "him first" and "her first" while pointing at each other. They do this for about 2 minutes, start to laugh and run away. I don't have to do anything but sit by and watch the interaction.

Does this make me a lazy mom or a lucky mom? I guess only time will tell.

Sweet or Manipulative... you decide.

This morning Eli decided he wanted to play on the computer. We have a small selection of computer games the kids can play on our old computer. Eli chose a Dora the Explorer game which is advanced for his skill level, but he really wanted to play. I told him he could and asked Isobel to turn it on for him. This was the conversation that followed:

"Eli, sweetie, this game is way too hard for two year olds. It is only for five year olds. You can really only play Mickey Mouse or Winnie the Pooh."

"hmmmm.... want Mickey Mouse."

"Great choice, honey! That is a great choice. Just let me turn it on for you."

I am sitting in my office thinking "wow... I must have done something right... listen to how sweet she is... I am such a great mom." Then I hear this...

"Oh Honey, let me just show you how to play first."

It has been 30 minutes and Isobel is still showing Eli "how to play".

One would think that Eli would be screaming at this point... I expect to hear "I want to play, Bel, it is my turn"... but no, not my Eli. He is laughing and yelling "Good Job, Bel!”

So, maybe we did do something right after all...